Please use this blog to post comments and to facilitate discussion on Aaron Levy's draft of his young adult novel
MAN UP! (working title). Let us know what's working for you, what's confusing, what's boring (I hope not). Anything. Your discussion with each other helps too. We're also curious to hear from teachers to see if they think this novel would/could have value inside a classroom? What grade(s)? Also, we're very excited to hear from students. What works, what doesn't? Ideas? And, of course, we're not pickey - we want to hear from ALL readers.
This draft is the third draft. I started it in July 2005. I'm ready to attempt to take it further. But only with your help!
Many thanks. My hope is that you enjoy reading it and talking about it.
Click on "Comments" below to leave your feedback.
Levy
82 comments:
HEY ALL: THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM MY OLDER SISTER (WHO LIVES IN LAS VEGAS) WHO HAS AN 8TH GRADE DAUGHTER. OFTEN THEY READ BOOKS TOGETHER. THEY STARTED TO READ THE FIRST DRAFT LAST YEAR AND HER DAUGHTER, AN ADVANCED READER, ONLY GOT THROUGH SOME OF IT AND PUT IT DOWN. ANYWAY, THIS IS AFTER READING THE BEGINNING AND THE FIRST CHAPTER:
Blysse and I just finished the first chapter together, and we love it so far.. we are both very interested and engrossed. The first time we read it, we were both like, great story, but not our type of story. The first part of it grabbed me.. and it grabbed blysse, which is facinating because when i first asked if she would read she didnt want to. After the introduction, she was interested and sat down. Ill ask her what she thinks about the too much blood thing. I think it adds mystery and kinda grabs the reader. Like, if i was picking the book up and was looking on the inside to see if it was something id be interested and read that, or an excerpt from that, id be curious and interested. I loved the description of the fingernail and finger where you cant get it out no matter how hard you scrubbed.. very descriptive, i knew exactly what you meant.
The first chapter she laughed a lot too, and when i was done, she said it was really good. I said im into it too and looking forward to the next chapter and she said she was too. Big difference in interest and attitude from original.
THIS IS FROM THE GREAT WENDY COPE WHO NOW TEACHES 8TH GRADE AT WOODSTOCK MIDDLE. SHE STARTED READING THE NOVEL TO HER STUDENTS OUT LOUD. SHE COULDN'T BLOG-IN FROM SCHOOL YESTERDAY. BUT SHE EMAILED AN AWESOME PLAY-BY-PLAY. THANKS WENDY!
Hey Aaron! First day reading was a success-- we got
through to just before the PARTY :-). I can only read
in HR, but they're a great cross-section. They really
like it--it's funny, sounds natural, mysterious. I
asked about stuff they'd change, and they thought the
blood stuff in the prologue was overdone (I thought it
was Lady MacBeth-y myself). They laughed in a lot of
places (I've marked L where they laugh). They're
looking forward to the 10 or so minutes I can give
them a day.
They had all kinds of questions to ask me about
you--do I really know you? Is this a real book? Is
he going to publish it? How long did it take him?
Comments like, "I don't know if I could write that
much. He must really like to write." I told them
about your play, and that if they like the book, I'll
share the play with them.
You'll be glad to know the book reads pretty well out
loud. I guess it's that playwright's ear.
So far, so good! I can't post on the blog from work.
Wendy
Hey Wendy,
I was wondering how your class handled the comment about Kevin not being circumcised?
I didn't think "all the blood" was too much. I think it will hook reluctant readers.
I've just started but will check back and see what others are thinking as I read.
Pam
Fifth grade teacher
HEY ALL - I gave my MAT students the novel to read. For those who don't know, these are Master's level students who are getting their teaching certification at the same time as they get their master's degree. This is a smart, great group of 15 students. You may seem them blog-on here eventually.
They all read up through chapter 6 for last night. We only had about 10 minutes to discuss it at the end of class, but they had some awesome comments that I'll try to summarize for you.
They said some good things about the book, but I'll let them comment on that. I do need to know what works! But I'll focuse here on some of the confusion and/or school appropriate issues.
1) BOOBS - too much. I agree. I can easily cut back on BOOBS without ruining the integrity of the book. They did say that you can say "boobs" in school or in a book, but just that I've featured it too much. Agreed.
2) The thing with Danny Hellman making people smell his fingers may not be appropriate for schools.
3)One student said that my use or Larry's use of the word "gay" is irresponsible on my part. That's someone in the class might actually be lesbian or homosexual and that the mention of it in this book would offend, etc. The student said I was irresponsible as a writer a few times, which may be accurate. I'd be interested to hear from others on this.
4) Which brings up another issue where the class seemed split...I think. It was late and we had to close discussion, but the time of the story is 1980s. Is that a good thing or a bad thing to you? Timeless, still? Does it get in the way or enhance the story?
5) There was a mention of the Holocaust stuff being too much. But not all agreed. I mentioned that I thought it may be too much during the camp chapter (re-enactment one student called it). But one student really liked that scene and really wanted to defend that chapter, and did. And I saw some head nods in agreement. BUT, there is this question of, Is LEVY too heavy-handed with the Holocaust thing? How to handle it?
5)One student made the suggestion/realization that Jeff's absence at the bar mitzvah table was akin to Elijah. Wow. I can't defend or deny that, but I will say that Jeff's inclusion into ch. 1 was a big part of my revisions this time around.
I also had a talk with Sarah Robbins today and it was funny how we both really agree that my goal for this book is to make it ready and able to be taught in schools. As far as some possible inappropriate content, i.e. boobs, stiffing fingers, etc., I let myself write/include that stuff because I was letting Larry tell the story to the best of my ability without my getting in the way of that. But there comes a time where I need to realize what works for school purposes and what doesn't. So I'll look to you all for that and much more. But feel free to defend something that others may say to take out.
As I said, many of my MAT students said some good things, but as often happens in academic settings, the conversation found it's way into major analysis. And that's okay for me to hear. But I'm also curious to see what, if anything, works for you. And works for you as potentially bringing in to a classroom with real live students.
Many thanks - looking forward to reading more comments. aaron
A couple comments from others.
PAM THOMPSON WROTE TO ME TODAY SOON AFTER I TOLD HER THAT THE MAT GROUP WAS READING THE BOOK AS WELL AND SHE SAID:
I can't wait to see what your class is saying on the blog....are you
having them blog or are you summarizing? They should be posting their
comments so they can see how it might be used in the classroom....if
they're going to be teachers that is.
ALSO, WENDY COPE CALLED ME EARLIER THIS WEEK AND SAID that after testing she had some time with her class and told them to do their silent reading books. A student spoke up and asked if they could continue reading the book they were reading aloud last week (my book!) instead. Yeh!
She said that it continues to read well out loud. But she also said that she skip some parts haveing iffy language. One part she mentioned was when somebody's "package" was mentioned. It wasn't that she was uncomfortable with it in the book, she said, but that she was uncomfortable, as the teacher, reading it out loud to her students. I can totally see that and I'll probably look at those parts and really consider changing it somehow to make it all-the-way appropriate.
But thanks to Wendy anyway, for having the guts to read it out loud to her students. Awesome. Aaron
I feel honored to be included in Dr. Levy's writing process and I'm happy to give him my feedback.
I agree wholeheartedly that the novel reads very well. I see myself already invested in the main character, so likeable. I enjoy following Larry's footsteps and finding out more about his dream of joining Sara on "the tall planet." I have to admit that I was enchanted by the dance scene. I want Sara "to stay put"!!! Is she coming back at the end of the novel?! I strongly believe that everyone, at one point in our lives, desperately searches for that someone special who will help us grow out of our own insecurities. In a way, Sara was there for Larry. What a wonderful scene!
Anna (MAT student)
All comments I'm reporting came from the kids...they thought the word *blood* was overused. For me, I was reminded of Lady MacBeth...
In re Pam: circumcised, I omitted that line, too.
As Aaron mentioned earlier, there's one thing about reading words silently versus reading them aloud. Words take on an even different meaning when they're coming from a teacher's mouth. It's the beginning of the year and I don't know these kids *that* well. We're only 4 1/2 weeks in....
But Aaron, I'm concerned that you'll revise the life out of your book if you listen to us too much. Revision by committee may be the kiss of death. Part of what makes YA Lit what it is involves getting the parents out of the way so that the kids can work things out on their own. I think this needs to happen in the case of your novel, too. Get us teachers out of your way. If the novel stands on its own literary merit (which yours does), then teachers will find a way to get it into the classroom. There's a time to read silently and a time to read aloud. Just because I'm not reading some lines doesn't mean that you should change them.
BTW, a kid asked me today if your book was AR... :-).
Responding to the novel is tough to do. Not because it's not worthy of response, but because if I had the opportunity to talk to Carl Sandburg I’d talk about anything with him but his poetry. See what I’m saying? But I’ll do my best and be as honest as I can.
Chapter four is worth the price of admission. I was so completely engrossed and I was visualizing so strongly and having such a strong empathetic reaction—other people thought it was overdone, I did not. I think it could be done more. The whole concept was just—whoa. I don’t know if that’s something that actually happens or not, but I buy that. Not just the events, but the emotion that was driving it was communicated just as clearly as the words. I want that, I want more of that, give me more of that or you’re fired. That’s just how it is. I didn’t get that feeling as often as I know I could have while reading.
The religious theme is tied together very well—the boys sucking down the Israel balloons, the rabbi saying ‘we don’t do that to each other,’ summer camp, Danny Hellman—but what I did not like was the video they watched in chapter 6. The power of chapter 4 wasn’t there, and it bothered me. Maybe it was because of Barbara’s comments. Maybe you were trying to break up the severity of the issue, but all I wanted to do was smack Barbara upside the head. She annoyed me. Seeing that film should be an intense experience, just as intense as summer camp. I don’t know—it just didn’t ring true and after already reading something fairly heavy on the same issue this felt flippant.
As for other things that were bothersome to me and quite a few of the other women in class, I’m of two minds on the issue. If you are truly aiming to have this novel being read in school as a school-assigned book, there are things that need to be reconsidered. However, if you’re aiming to publish as a young adult novel and that’s it, leave it. Let it stand on its own merit and if it offends you, well, then, you can read Little House on the Prairie and go away.
Dad ‘beating the children’ was a showstopper. I’m a fan. Finally, the dad gets some power—and I love his response to mom—“I beat the children, dear.” Yes, yes he did. And it was frickin fantastic. However, again I have an issue with the follow-up—In the very next chapter, Marna brings home a phone and demands that her door be returned. I mean come on! Let Dad have his victory, it was so damn sweet! How can he be so strong and then cave so easily? I see the point, but I was really on his side.
All right, I’m writing too much. Last things--I’m very interested in the empty chair, and please kill off Marna’s boyfriend.
Emily (MAT student)
emily - great comments. thanks. i wonder what you will say about the dad by the end.
anyway, i won't comment on your comments just yet. i just want to "listen" right now.
but i appreciate your comments and your really close reading. and i look forward to more once you read on.
many thanks -Levy
Okay, so my MAT class read up through ch. 13 and we discussed it a bit last night, so I thought I'd sum up some thoughts from last night.
First, on a business note, some rookie bloggers (like me) were having trouble blogging on this site because it asks you to register and folks probably think they are signing their lives away. You're not. I'm assured that no blog-guy will ask you for money. But you can making it easy for yourself by just clicking anynomous and it won't make you sign up for things. Just sign your name inside your message if you want us to know who you are.
We talked a little bit about the power of fiction. We've been talking about this from a teacher/writer's pov since last semester. But it lurks back up when we discuss my book. Yes my book is definitely FICTION. But, especially with this effort, there are some autobiographical elements, some grounding points from which I chose to start and then depart from that if you grew up with me or raised me, there would be some familiar scenarios. This has been a source of anxiety for me about if/when to let my folks read the book. Well, recently, with the advice of one of my sisters, I decided to give them the option. They said they wanted to read it. My sister convinced me to offer no disclaimers, "then they'll be looking for stuff," she said. She's probably right. I gave it to them a week ago, but my mother decided to wait to read it until a couple days ago when she left for a vacation with my dad to Myrtle Beach. She was saving it for the drive. Well, she called that night from the hotel to ask about my how my wife was feeling (she'd been a bit sick the night before they left). I asked how their vacation was going so far and she said, "It was going great until I started to read your book." Then she quickly changed the subject, "How are the kids?" "Fine," I said. And we got off the phone.
My reaction was two-fold. I laughed because I KNEW IT. And, a part of me felt like I was socked in the stomach. I've been working on the book for over a year now. My heart and other stuff is in the thing. I just turned 37 this past weekend and I still want my parents to be proud of the things I do.
But it also brings up a concern that I've had that was also discussed a bit last night. I don't want the mother to come off as psycho. I want her to be well-rounded and at times charming and redeeming. I think that happens at the Bar Mitzvah and some other spots, especially the last scene of the book with Marna. At the same time, I've tried to capture her from a 13 year old's point of view. Having kids now, I understand a lot of why my parents did or did not do things. I've understood for a long time that like most parents, they did the best they could with what they knew at the time. As a kid, I don't think you can ask for much more than that. You can wish they knew more, but you have to come to grips with the notion that if they knew more they'd have done more. I can live with that because I always felt loved. I think/hope that that notion of feeling loved comes through in the book. I want the reader to see the love in the household. At the same time, when I imagine adolescents reading this, I think Larry's POV on his parents, however jaded or incomplete it might be, is important for readers. A kid sees/hears the yelling first and foremost and has a difficult time rationalizing it, going, "oh, that's my Mom, she's stressed because of the teacher strike." A kid may understand it some, but there's a powerlessness there. Anyway, it will be difficult for me to explain to my parents to understand that this book is FICTION. They may still feel judged. Understandable. But in reality, if I did my job right as a writer, if judgement exists, it should be from a 13 year old's POV.
I hear a lot of great feedback last night. Part of this experience of letting people read the book before I attempt to get it published is to see if what I'm intending is really what's in the pages I wrote. The first draft, the theme I was going for was there, but most readers didn't think that that was what the book was about. I won't explain that yet until I know everyone has read the book.
One person mentioned that as they read the second part of the book, Larry became more three dementional. She said that Larry really became a full character to her when he went back to the old neighborhood. Some agreed. And I've heard this before. It's a good comment...and a potentially bad one for me. What do I do with that information? If anything? This is where my inexperience writing in this genre comes in. It would seem to me that a novel allows more flexibility and TIME to have that happen. The reader is interested enough to keep going and soon enough the reader is caught. In a play, for instance, there is not that latitude. You've got to grab your audience right away. You can't hide in narration or description. Anyway, it's interesting for me. And I'll be interested to hear feedback on that.
We talked a little bit about language in conjunction to talking about censureship that was in their readings (Romano and Multi Genre Research Papers) for this week as well. We agreed that saying "boobs" is okay, but I say it too much. I agree. Nobody likes the mention of "going to third base" for saying or reading in schools. I can certainly see that. I was asked whether I thought about this being in the schools while I was writing it. Yes and no. I've always wanted it to be appropriate and attractive to students and teachers for instructional and recreational purposes. But WHILE I was writing it, I didn't think about what was appropriate or not. I was too busy and concerned with getting the voice down. Letting Larry tell his story. I thought I could always go back and cut stuff, or make the decision to cut stuff that would possibly nix it from schools. So far there's nothing that's been mentioned to possibly cut that would ruin the story or violate the integrity of the story.
One student, Ken, brought up a great notion. He'd like to see a time come when young people and the books about them didn't feature "boob" talk. Not because he's a prude about it, but he'd like to see that artificial speak and thinking eliminated with young people. Part of me really agrees with Ken. And I think, and others in the class agreed, that Larry is an advocate for that pov. But there's a difference between taking a subject off the radar because it's no longer an issue anymore vs. burying our heads in the sand. I'm not saying that's what Ken is suggesing because he's an awesome forward thinking guy who is going to be an awesome teacher. But I also think that we could substitute "boob talk" with "suicide" or "bullying" or many other issues that we as adults would like to take out of books about young people. The question being that if we take this out of their books, then we can stop talking about it. But the danger lies in the solution - can we afford to stop talking about it?
One student who teaches at a local private school and is about to teach Weisel's NIGHT, told me she's going to use my Chapter 4 (Camp) as a pre-reading set up for the novel with her students (seniors I think). I thought that was cool and I'm looking forward to hearing how that goes.
Another group of students really like the title KILL THE MAN. They pointed out the metaphor implications of the game AND what's happening to Larry in the book. I agree. There is definitely a connection. People are pulling from him and giving him conflicting advice about how to been a man throughout.
Another group of students really liked the notion of Larry liking super heroes, especially Aquaman. They pointed out that many kids who get bullied seem to like super heroes; that a super hero's life is different in that it's black and white. A super hero knows exactly what to do. Another student agreed, but pointed out that all super heroes, however, have some kind of secret that they can't really share with anyone as well. They liked Aquaman and all the water metaphor implication possibilities. One student even mentioned that in connection to the last time Larry felt truly "safe" was in the womb...because even the mother is bullying him. Another student refuted that, saying that that would be true if the mother didn't smoke. This was funny. This MAT class are some of the brightest students I've ever had in one room. They are a joy to teach.
Sorry for ranting and rambling here for so long. I hope to see many of you on Sept. 21st at 6 at KSU to discuss things further. My MAT students can't be there because they have a class, but hopefully some will check in here. Regardless, I'll provide an update next week after they've finished the book.
Levy
WOW! I read a bit to my ninth grade lit class. It went very well, escially with my male students. They loved the bloody parts. However, the girls did not take to it very well. Of course, they "yucked" while the boys "howled while saying "cool". I was worried about the usage of the word "gay";however, it went over very well. It's what works for them. It was funny and it's what is used in their daily language. We all went through using certain words, such as the word "gay." I shared words I used with my students when I was their age and they just think it's hilarious, such as the word "chuttie" referring to "blunt".
At any rate......We are having a great time reading.
Thanks,
Noreen
I just finished the book, and before I have to race to the next event in my life, thought I'd try to blog a bit.
I'm really looking for a reason to like Mom and not finding much. There are only three times in the book where she comes off remotely sympathetic or even mom-like: the bar mitvah poem, showing her chewed-up food, and when she hugs Marna near the end. I understand the strees of looming unemployment (trust me, I do), but that shouldn't negate a parent's love for her child, unless the fictionalized parent is the antagonist. I don't think that is needed for this book -- because kids relate so much of their own lives to books, I think to most she would come off as unrealistically shrill. Needless to say, Mom makes me feel pretty darn good about my own parenting skills, even in the face of unemployment, career changes, stress, etc. I really think she needs to be made more human -- she's one-dimensionally nasty.
Dad, on the other hand, is a well-rounded and interesting character. He's not perfect -- he's ineffectual with his wife, not very authoritative with his kids, loses (or "finds") his temper (in a scene that packs a huge emotional wallop) -- but he has a whole 'nother side to him too, unlike Mom, who is irrational and when angered to the extreme, drags up every cliche from the book of 50 things to never say to your kid. However, I was disappointed that Dad did not end up believing Larry about the TV dinner. I think Larry should have been able to win a tiny victory there.
Loved the fight scene on the bus --it had that sensation of unreality that towering and intense emotions bring to the party.
I also liked the scene at Dad's school and the way the kids razzed on "Mr Rat." It felt real.
And the scene with Bucky, Marna, etc. pushed the farcical envelope but stayed on the right side. Another couple of notches and it would have been farce.
About boobs and changing attitudes -- I think that Larry shows a nascent consciousness about how sillly/pointless/cruel it can be to measure a girl's worth by the size of her breasts, so if Levy was looking to make the point that size -- bra size or height -- doesn't matter in the long run, he succeeded.
Anyway, good read -- there are a few plot inconsistencies that need to be addressed -- but I'm running out of TIME!
Leslie, MAT student
Blood don't lie. That’s your title right there, in my opinion. Family ties, blood brothers, literal blood, historical bloodshed (the holocaust)... it ties everything together for me. I see mom getting red in the face (blood rushing to her face) I see Larry maybe thinking about his sister and maybe the girls in his school in terms of blood (never trust something that bleeds for six days and doesn't die). There is the blood from his fight with bullock. The blood of his friend's body maybe somewhere on the hatchback. (I’m just thinking aloud here).
The second half of the novel has a better pace than the first. It’s very cinematic. I can see everything that happens--quite literally translating into an "on-screen" experience. Has anyone else received the story this way? The only quibble I have with this section is the final chapter. It falls flat for me and seems to fade out without the kind of closure I’m expecting from a YA novel.
On the "boobs" issue brought up in class. I think the way it's presented in the text accomplishes the kind of positive male perspective some of us felt was lacking. I agree, the issue and term feels overused, but I felt that the novel redeems itself with Larry’s thoughts on the matter. He is sympathetic to the female predicament, I think.
One thing that's really got me confused is the narrative structure. I’m digging the plot and the organization, but I’m having trouble discerning the frame. "On the roof" seems like it's going to be the opening and closing moment for our narrator, but we move past that fading into Larry’s musings about Aquaman/Bar Mitzvah Man. this felt misplaced to me. Also, we have a first person narrative that maintains the present tense throughout, even though the majority of the story is happening in the past tense. While I like the immediacy of this narrative choice, I wonder about the overall structure. When is our narrator speaking? Who is his audience? Is this a voice over to a film? Is this the story he is telling his dead friend (maybe this is our closing scene)?
Overall, an enjoyable, easy read. It still feels like it is in draft form to me (typos and other errors are present enough to be distracting). If this were my manuscript I would seriously consider investing in an editor to "fix" these minor issues before soliciting from a publisher. I wouldn't want anything to distract a first time reader from this amazing story you've got on your hands.
Jessi, MAT student
I had finished the book a few weeks back but with closer analysis, it is even better.
The family dynamics are that--pretty darn dynamic. The scene when the dad is launching into old stories again--Mom says heard 'em--Dad: "The boy hasn't heard it, yet." 'I'd heard it a million times ...'
"He's a young man, not a boy! [in a rare moment of agreement the parents say that last line together. This scene almost, but not yet redemm the Mom character.
The passage that both condemns and saves the dad is the TEMPER scene--such lines! Paraphrased: "Doesn't lose his temper--he finds it ... like his TEMPER is another person--a bully.
The quiet father--one of those men who live a life of quiet ... well, you know. But more the narrator says that his dad jumped on him like the concentration camp electric fence--"so the life he was living at the moment would end." Even from the physical threat, the narrator gives us a positive spin.
But for the mother, the list of her better moments--like chewing with open mouth and the poem--are good, but she hasn't just been loud, as the narrator tells us--it is mental, verbal abuse she's been indulging in. Stress excuses some but ...
The pace of the story is well structured and (most) emotions are felt through the showing.
Aquaman and Bar Mitzvah Man together--sounds like peace in our time. And for Larry.
Gotta run--had a trainwreck in my class today and am still moving carefully.
My MAT class finished reading the book this week, but we only had about 5 minutes to discuss it. My hope is that we can discuss it more this week. They are great readers and so smart; I'm really looking forward to their comments.
One comment did spark a little constructive discussion, which was good to hear. Leslie, a mother of middle school twins and a brilliant writer herself, says that the mother in the novel is too two-sided. She's only redeeming at the bar mitzvah, when she shows her food, and at the end. It wasn't enough for her. Several others shouted back that that's exactly how middle school kids see their parents, for the most part. They either are the best or worst. They don't have the reasoning or the selflessness to understand why a parent reacts the way they do. This discussion got cut off becaue it was time to go, so I can't even tell you if there were more people saying to keep it that way or not. We'll see.
Ken had a great comment after class that's right-on. The Salisbury Steak scene, he thinks there needs to be a chapter break between after the dad attacks Larry and when he's waiting for him to wake up. Ken is a 100% right. He knows that the reader needs a "break" after that tough, somewhat disturbing scene. A breath or two. Good job, Ken. The check is in the mail.
And then I ran into Dr. Bob Hill the other day. He's read both my first and now this draft. He gave me so much great feed-back after draft 1, and I'm looking forward to talking with him more. But one thing he did say is, while he likes the notion of a short prologue like I have preceeding what used to be the first chapter, he thinks the extreme TONE difference might be problematic. He mentions the sort of "contract" the writer sets up with the reader in the first couple pages that sort of say what kind of writing, etc. can be expected in the rest of the book. Well, there's no humor in that first chapter, no Larry "charm" if there is such a thing, that runs throughout the book (I hope). I see his point and it was a concern of mine. Some have said how much they enjoy the TONE change. So again, I'm stumped a little on that. Especially cause I don't think Bob Hill has been wrong about anything literary in his life.
Anyway, all food for thought. Looking forward to hearing more feedback from MAT folk, and from the teacher feedback session this thursday the 21st at 6 p.m.
thanks - aaron
Oh my goodness! I enjoyed this book. I really enjoyed listening to Larry and getting inside his head (because he invites us in)—what a story-teller he is! I laughed out loud so many times during my reading (the dialogue between Larry and his parents and sister throughout), but I also covered my mouth in surprise (Mom and Dad’s breakdown/knockdown-drag-out over the frozen dinner) and pumped my fist in celebration (Larry’s pummeling of Robert Bullock). I actually had physical reactions while reading. That’s a darn good book right there, folks.
Okay, on to some more specific responses to the thoughtful and detailed posts in this blog.
Title: I like Man Up! I like the way it sounds. I like the relevance throughout the book as Larry struggles with and revels in his new “manhood” after the bar mitzvah. I think the title will appeal to kids/young adults too.
Blood at the beginning: Compelling. Not overdone, in my opinion.
Time (1980s): I agree with some of your MAT students, Aaron, that the references to 1980s stuff might be distracting to a young adult reader. I enjoyed it myself. It brought back some memories, but I think that younger readers might be put-off by a “new” book that talks about “old” things. Just my opinion. Really, the story is fantastic whether it’s set in the 80s or today.
Larry’s POV: Regarding some of the responses about Larry’s parents—his mom, especially—being too one dimensional and the crying girls at camp, I think it’s important for us to keep in mind that this story is told from Larry’s perspective, and so, of course, he’s not going to see things “as they are.” No one can. And that’s okay; for me, the story is more appealing that way because I’m questioning whether or not Larry’s mom is as high-strung (and, at times, abusive) as Larry makes her out to be.
I also like how Larry calls Sara Rothman and Robert Bullock by their first and last names throughout the story. I think that’s a small, but important, detail. These are kids that Larry has set upon a pedestal in some way or another—kids that he admires and/or fears. I can remember doing the same thing in middle and high school. Students that were part of the “in” crowd were known by their first and last names in my social circle. Heck, I went back for my ten-year high school reunion this past summer, and we still referred to these people by two names. Like they were celebrities or something. Anyway, nice detail.
Katie M.
I waited to post because I usually have to wait until I can talk to Lizzie and Maria and figure out whether or not I am making sense. They say I am, so it goes like this.
Apparently there are two versions of the book: the one you wrote and the one I read. You can title the one you wrote whatever you want. The only acceptable title for the one I read is Blood Don't Lie. I mean it. That's what it's called, end of discussion.
I had to make myself a little graphic organizer in class today to sort it all out in my mind. I knew there was something going on with the fights, but like I said it wasn't connecting with me because I like things to balance. I am both OCD and a Libra, so things like this tend to get to me. The rabbi pulling the boys apart was significant. There were other more visual and better written scenes in the book, but for some reason I cannot get the line "We don't do that to each other" out of my head. This was the theme of the book I read. We don't do this to each other. The rabbi is their religion, their history, their past, their blood. He is what stopped the first fight of the book. Enough damamge has been done--we can't keep doing violence to each other. This one brief scene weighed so heavily at the front end of the book I needed something just as powerful to balance it out on the other side. Something just as powerful needs to stop Larry. Not another student, not the bus driver, something that is equal to what he carries in his blood.
So during the fight scene (which is too abbreviated), whether you wrote it there or not, in my mind what stops Larry is blood. Whether he sees actual blood or it is a realization of that connection doesn't matter; it is the power of the symbol that stops him. Blood don't lie.
Blood--lies--family--values--history--experience--faith-violence. The heavy use of blood and lying is powerful stuff. I have quibbles with some of your choices regarding characters, but those are your choices to make. No one is going to like everything you do, but I like most of what you have done.
Everything and everyone in this book is bleeding--What is bleeding here is more than just blood, and that is powerful. Blood Don't Lie.
Emily
My MAT class finished the book and we had a great discussion last night. In the guise of creating a proposal, I asked them specific questions. They discussed them in groups and then talked as a whole class. I can't thank them enough for being my "writing group," my "team." They are awesome and pretty damn smart. And if you've read the above response from Emily (who just got a job at Sprayberry HS), you can see that they are smarter than me.
Some highlights:
On what they liked - the voice, the holocaust and other cultural and historical perspectives, the teen experience and how it's always uncomfortable, the 14 yr. old psyche and how it's not gimmicky. most agreed that they really like the character of Marna and the whole sibling relationship; saying that that is not very featured in most YA books. Renee said she also liked the relationship he has with the karate instructor too.
I asked what they thought was the major theme(s). The responses were TRUTH, MANHOOD, FAMILY, VIOLENCE, SELF-EMPOWERMENT, and certainly coming of age - the internal struggle to grow up. The Holocaust too.
Some are still confused by the chronology and the transitions. I would agree. Lizzie suggested to just post at the top of the chapters the actual date. I had done this in an earlier draft and took it out. Dah - sometimes, I make things that are simple so complicated. Thanks Lizzie.
The major comments that I really need to address in the next draft have a lot to do with picking a title and fixing the climax. Some say the climax was too anti-climactic. Not long enough. Like Emily indicates above, there needs to be BLOOD during the fight that stops him. And that if I'm chasing the violence theme, I need to make the fight more violent. Ken mentioned again how there needs to be a break between the Salisbury Steak scene and when the Dad comes into his room. And it may have to be more than just a chapter break. I have an idea how to do that. Great advice.
Anna said that she needed more resolution from Larry's point of view regarding all that happens...before the end of the book. She may be right.
The big question I have is my mix-message. I have Larry emotionally and literally SICK about the violence that came out of him. But then when he's on the bus Robert doesn't bother him. This may give, probably gives the wrong message. One student said how there's all these anti-bullying posters around their school. Look, this problem is a problem and one I feel strongly about. I don't want to give the wrong message. I mean Eyatta and others said how excited they were when he finally faced the bully. They get that he's sick about it (on the roof, and that the first chapter ties it together), but the reaction on the bus sort of erases that. I think I need to go back to the bus and make it not-so-clean. I'm torn because as we all know, Larry DOES need to stand up for himself. Just like I would tell my son or daughter. But we don't want violence to be the answer. So what's the answer - because both of those answers go against each other. Something needs to happen on the bus after the fight. This will take some thought. I have one idea, but it may be too telegraphing.
I'm still thinking that the only thing keeping the book from being able to be taught in schools is the 3rd base reference in the CAMP chapter and some other language stuff. Speaking of the CAMP chapter, Linda said she used it with her seniors who are studying Weisel's NIGHT. She read it un-edited and she said that the kids were rivited. I like that. In retrospect, I think it's a great chapter to go with a Holocaust lesson, especially NIGHT. I want this book to feature a perspective of a kid that didn't go through the horrors of the Holocaust, but is processing it. How do kids process this violence, this inhumanity nowadays? More and more kids are studying NIGHT. Soon there will be no more survivors. How do adolescents who not yet formed emotionally, physically and mentally processing and applying this horror? Like they process the cartoon nature of the planes ramming into the Towers? Like a video game? It's important.
I'm leaning towards making the connection that's necessary for the title to be BLOOD DON'T LIE. I think it's near the story I wrote or it IS the story that I was writing. Just needed, like most writers, some help to get all the way there. I'm leaning today, heavily on that title because I don't want Emily to beat me up. There's a quote from a Steven Dietz play called TRUST that says, "Look for blood. Blood is a sign." That would go perfectly along with the Faulkner quote in the beginning of the book
Many thanks to all.
I'm REALLY looking forward to tonight and hearing what the teachers have to say. Hopefully it won't spin me in too many different directions.
Aaron
UPDATE
Things are moving. I finally finished a final draft. Well, it's the final draft that I'll be sending out to agents to sekk representation. Which I have. Four agents have the manuscript now. Cross your fingers.
I wrote a new ending that better exemplifies what I want (or think I want) this book to be about. I'm worried it's too preachy or too predictable. But I'm real curious to see what students think. There are three teachers using the book right now, but as is education, they are having a hard time finding class time for it. Not that it doesn't fit - one teacher is using it with Anne Frank - but since the students don't have books, she's reading it out loud. She told me the students are enjoying it, but I suppose it's not as powerful without the text in front of them. Who knows? Soon, I'll go read some of the book to that class. That will be fun.
I'll sign in as I know more.
Thanks all who are reading this and/or the book. There is no book without you! Levy
Below, I've cut and pasted an email I received from Harvey who read the book. I don't know Harvey, but he was kind enough to give some honest feedback:
HARVEY WRITES:
As I read this story, under the assumption that it was designed for
young adults, it seemed as if it would attract a narrow audience. Yes,
there are many factors that involve young adults. The story was written
in the style of a journal, popular with many teens. However, the story
line took on an aura that made me feel that it would be very interesting
to adults of all ages.
As an adult, I related to many of the situations that Larry encountered
-- the mixture of fact and illusion -- misreading girls' intentions
which led to disappointments -- bullies and false friends. One thing
that we of the older generation did not have to worry about was the drug
culture. That didn't come about until our children's generation.
Smoking and drinking were the major vices of our generation.
So, you see, your book spans many generations and I believe that the
> readership of the book could be expanded to adults. It could evoke
memories and be controversial. Adults of all generations would want to
discuss the pro's and con's relative t o their life experiences. The
subject of peer and sibling pressure would be the talk of many book
clubs.
The errata that I would like to address are:
Page 7 --- The word "tooing" should be "toing"
The word "too" should be "to"
Page 12 -- The word "bombed" should be "balmed"
Page 17 -- The words "boy-chick" should be "boychik"
Page 61 -- There are no "Deans" in middle school. Recommend "principal"
or " Counselor"
Page 197 -- paragraph 1 -- "turn" should be "turns"
Keep up the good work. I enjoyed being a reader for you.
>
> Harvey Silverman
BELOW IS THE SECOND EMAIL HE SENT AFTER I SENT HIM ONE ASKING IF I COULD POST THIS ON THE BLOG. Levy
HARVEY WRITES:
Your chapters that are devoted to the idea of suicide and the pressures that cause the persons to contemplate that action are riveting. Parents should read these chapters and look into their own family life.
Harvey
THANKS TO HARVEY FOR READING AND RESPONDING! Levy
I just wanted to check in. There hasn't been much "action" on the novel. I'm kind of in waiting mode. As I probably mentioned, I entered it in the Delacorte First YA Novel contest. So we'll see.
One agent got back to me - rejected. No explanation.
One agent passed it on to a colleague because he or she was too loaded with work. So he or she didn't read it.
I'm waiting on two other agents. One said that she's going to read it - it's on or in her priority pile. Another agent asked for it electronically, but then unfortunately had a terrible family accident. So we don't know if/when he'll be back in action.
My hope is that something happens with Delacorte contest. At least there you're having folks from the actual publishing company actually read your work. That's how Christopher Paul Curtis got discovered. He didn't even win, but he was contacted because of it...like Clay Aiken in American Idol, but I sadly digress.
I have had occassion to read aloud from it in the past couple weeks, though. Once to my Principles of Teaching Writing Class and once, just last Friday night, to a group of teachers at the Georgia Council of Teachers of English Conference at Jeckyl Island. Both times I read from ch. 3, THE MALL. Both times it went really well. I mean REALLY well. Lots of laughs. Lots of asking where can they get this book? And I'm like, "thanks," and "i don't know...I'm waiting to see what will happen." But it felt good to read the thing out loud. You don't get that many opportunities to read/hear it out loud like you do with plays. So I'm REALLY appreciative.
Well, I should know about the contest no later than April. That's all I do know. I don't know about the agents. If I don't hear from the agents and the contest doesn't work out, I'll be going back to the drawing board - researching agents and getting query letters out.
Final note. My neice, an 8th grader - voracious reader - finally read the whole book. She told my sister that she LOVED it. That made my day. Cause I really want to know how teens are or are not diggin' it.
Thanks - Aaron
Wow, I was looking for this blog and here it is! Enjoyed the semester and though it's sad it had to end, I know there will be a time when our paths cross again. So it's only sorta sad it's over. Besides, it's VACATION TIME!!!
5/1/07
I see big Ken (aka Pater) signed in above. Hope to hear more from him in the near future. A great writer.
I found out yesterday that my book was NOT chosen to win the Delacort First YA Contest. I'd been in waiting mode (not pursuing representation) since Dec. 06, but I've not been in waiting mode regarding revisions. My MAT and 3310 classes all read it and gave me such great feedback. In between the Fall and Spring semesters gave me enough time away from it to really become more objective. And then reading and listening to the comments from my 3310 class (these are future teachers taking a Principles of Teaching Writing Class from me), I've made some significant changes.
1) I fixed the end - first by putting JEFF up on the roof instead of Kevin at first. I also shortened that scene considerably.
2) I fixed the Bus scene that happens at the end and took out the pseudo-musical preachy crap. Again, I took out a lot of the preachy stuff and made it tighter (I hope!)
3) I'm messing with shortening the first chapter without hurting it. I am going to add the line from the mom, something like, "Remember, like we've always said, friends come and go, but it's your family, your BLOOD, that you can always count on." Hopefully, along with cutting a bunch, that will help unify the book.
I'm still a little stumped about the first chapter though. If you believe the book is only about a bully, then perhaps not enough seems to happen in ch. 1. But if you believe the bullying is just one of the features of a book about violence, then the scope widens to include the family...then perhaps the ch. is not too long.
also, i spent about a half hour deleting all the SPAM mail from this blog.
hopefully my 3310 class will start to post. i just told them about this blog today.
thanks - levy
Ok, so here's some comments I wrote as I was reading... I hope these aren't considered too long in the world of blogging... I'm new.
Before I got to chapter 15, the TV dinner ch., I kept hearing from classmates “Who ate the damn TV dinner?!” So, I was anxious when I got to it finally. As I read it, I didn’t really see the importance of who ate it. If I had to make a guess, I would say that the error was on the part of mom. She is so tightly wound that I can see it fitting for her to freak out and point fingers for something she messed up on. But really, so what. The chapter is not about the mysterious missing steak, it is about showing how screwy the family’s relationship is/has gotten. The TV dinner is a trivial matter, the important thing is the issue of the fight….
At the bottom of page 257, I think the following could be worded differently….
His teeth. Big and white. They must be magnets because my right fist and then my left connect with Bullock’s teeth. Instead of they must be magnets, as in his teeth, I would say,
“I must have little magnets in my knuckles because they are connecting with the metal in his mouth.” Something like that maybe… I think by saying that Larry’s hands have the magnets readers easily see the connection to the metallic braces instead of “Robert’s teeth must be magnets.” I realize this is a small detail….
I love the relationship Marna and Larry have. It is the typical brother-sister relationship (I think) where that make fun of each other, drive each other crazy, are mean etc but still they have this bond like “we’re in this together” type thing. Marna is a great character. Well, so is Larry…so is Daddy Dan. I really feel sorry for dad. He just wants to breathe and mom won’t let him. She is so controlling that Dan is afraid of her. The moments when Dan clearly does something he doesn’t necessarily want to just to stay out of the doghouse are great.
Also, Marna’s freak out on the kid who didn’t know the bicycle rules was great. It was a powerful seen that really connected her to her mother. The two are so similar which I guess is what teenage girls hate to think…that they’re just like the mother they hate.
Maybe I just missed something but I think the time frame is confusing in chapter 22 to 23. So, Larry beats up Robert then goes to the roof then goes home. Is this correct? When I think of Larry cutting the strap around the newspapers I think that these are fresh papers ready for delivery….so don’t paperboys get their newspapers super early in the morning? I don’t know, I’ve never been a paperboy (or papergirl). I just lost a sense of time during the final chapters…maybe someone can clarify? Sorry
This is sort of outta order…(that is my comments, not the story) When Kevin says “Blood don’t lie” it’s just great. It is ah-ha moment. I love reading a book, play, song whatever and when you read/hear the point of the work that mentions the title it is just great. Can’t really explain it except for that “ah-ha” feeling. I like titles that are mentioned towards the end in a very powerful scene, like the one in BDL. I cannot think of a better title than this one. Before I read this part, I was thinking Body Fluid the book has it all, blood, snot, barf…or something like that…
Again, I do think that the dance chapter is kind of confusing. I like that we hear larry's thoughts. They are most definitely crucial to the story. It all just needed more clear breaks for me.
I do think that the camp chapter should stay; although I would like it to be a little shorter. Like I posted before, I thought everyone singing the song ,after they played the Nazi game, kind of took away from the emotion. It seemed odd to me.
Chapter 6 & 7 are my favorite chapters. I think the story really picks up here. I love Dad in chapter 7. Once he gets home in chapter 7 everthing is very fluid, very visual, and very funny.
I think the quicker the reader gets to chapter 6 the better; it is one of the reasons why I think the camp chapter should be paired down. I think that some readers will not get hooked until chapter 6. That could be a problem with the target age group. You might loose some YA readers before 6. If they get to six they will be hooked.
I am not a math major but hopefully I am far enough in to qualify for second third.
Chapter eight drove me nuts. Too many dudes! I was wanting to rip the literary phone out of the wall. Plus, I didn't like it when Bucky said the fart thing wasn't true. I think it should be left to Larry to question the truth of it all. I have two technical questions. #1 in the beg. of chpt. 9 the coach tells the boys that they will all be dressed out for the square dancing then during the actual dancing everyone is wearing their regular clothes. What happened? #2 the girl scout cookies are bothering me. Why does the family have all the boxes in the house? I know that sounds stupid but from a technical acurracy point of view it just started bugging me. GS cookies don't work that way. At least not in any troop I have been involved with. Maybe others do. Someone correct me if I am wrong.
I really like the" eating coakroaches slowly" line.
I think that chapter nine could actually be broken into three chapters. Everything that comes before Larry is at Karate. Larry at Karate. And everything that comes after KArate.
I like the "Listens like he is trying to sniff me with his ears " line.
In chapter 11, I think it would be better if you said Larry was intending to go to Jeff's house, Rather then "going to see Jeff's mom." That would make it more of a surprise when the reader finds out the truth.
All in all I like it. It is a quick read.
I'm not done yet but I wanted to comment on the t.v. dinner chapter. First off it took me by surprise. I didn't see it coming. Dad has been such a wonderful character so far then BOOM. It is very realistic. I know some people with the same type temper.
About the T.V. dinner. I am assuming that Levy does not answer the" who done it" question in the book because I have heard people asking him about it. Maybe he will tell us who he was thinking did it. My guess is Bucky. That was what I was thinking as I read it. I'm thinking he did it, maybe on one of the days when everyone but Marna was out selling comforters; Marna couldn't say anything because it would be owning up to the loss of a lot more than a frozen steak dinner. I am probably wrong but if Levy doesn't tell that is what I am going with.
I'm really pleased with the new roof scene at the end. I was left hanging with the whole Jeff thing before, but now it ties up all the loose ends. Muchas gracias.
And I agree with Kathy, Marna wasn't out selling comforters. She had her own "comforter" at home. ;)
I believe Bucky ate the steak. Just makes sense. That's how I took it from the first read, and every time I read that chapter afterward. Marna may or may not have an eating disorder, but that should be covered in the sequel.
By the way, this is Ken. For some reason blogger won't let me sign in.
Wow.
You have great stuff here.
Summer Camp...man, just plain powerful.
Breaking his arm with no time for tryouts, terrible irony.
Mrs. Rubin's class, continue showing how Robert is one of the pricks we all hated.
Wow.
Ch 7
Poor Larry. The kid has to deal with too many problems. But a lot of those problems are very relatable. I just wished I hadn't read the bus fight scene earlier. I know what the climax is gonna be, but the road there is still very entertaining.
Did Marna rat him out about the cookies, or did his mom just find out by her own snoopiness?
I love his dad's punishment. Larry was way too old for a spanking, and Marna deserved to have her phone and door taken away. Sounds like the kind of punishment I like to deal out for my child. No TV and no XBox. or worse.
CH 8,9,10
I love the advice from his dad,"hit first and don't stop hitting until somebody pulls you off." I hate how schools hanldle fighting. You gotta believe they know kid's personalities. The smaller kid fights back against some other kid (who is always in trouble) and the smaller kid still gets in trouble, too. I told my son that if he ever gets in a fight at school, he won't get in trouble at home, unless he started it.
What's up with Kevin? He is calling Larry "Ratner," then he steals his partner out from under him. Sounds like Kevin may be trying to compensate for something, even moreso than before. But at least before he was still cool with Larry.
The showdown with Robert is building up nicely. Thanks Mom for snitching to the principal. Why don't parents and administrators ever learn that the school yard rules don't mesh with adult rules and laws. I can't wait for Larry to kick his butt.
OH and you are killing me with all the song and artist references. I nearly busted a gut when you mentioned Leif Garrett and Parker Stevenson. It is sad that I remember these guys. lol
Ch 12,13,14 Larry actually gets into the car that killed his best friend, and then falls asleep in the back...creepy. Confronting a demon I guess.
A psychatrist, hmmm? I think, I hope that he will call Heather and they can talk more. They both have a lot in common, realizing that most of the kids at the school are mean.
It just keeps getting better, I am so hooked on this story.
CH 11
Gee Levy, thanks for making me cry!
It is very cool to see the transition from what we read in FC and how Jeff and the hatchback turns out here. The long drive to the old neighborhood, Mrs. Fitzgerald in her bathrobe and slippers. The plastic on the couch. The yellow couch.
I loved the repition of "pop", 4 times in a row, even. Somebodies been reading these grammar books, too. But then you are teaching this info so I guess you would know it, huh?
I also found this line to be interesting when Larry's mom is talking about the couple they are going to visit, ". I hate it when she just keeps going, and the people can’t even fight back." I don't know it this is intentional, but the theme of Larry's biggest problem lies in that line.
If intentional...brilliant!
If not, claim it is anyway!
Topic: Blood Don't Lie First 3rd 3/27 Date: April 2, 2007 10:40 AM
Subject: feeling uncomfortable Author: Fisher, Sandra
As a reader there are times I am really uncomfortable. It's that same uncomfortable I get when the first part of American Idol is on. I can't watch that show because I feel their humilation whether they are aware of it or not. (Don't interpret this wrong.) I'm feeling all the angst for Larry as a character. I feel like I'm looking right at someone who just doesn't want me to see them. That's Larry and he feels really authentic. Seventh and Eight grade can be hell. I know it was for me and I feel like I'm back there. so on that level the book is working for me. The humor is keeping me going because if I continued to feel this uncomfortable I'd want to walk. I did feel the first couple of chapters slowed me down and I wanted to get moving. But, I also feel like I really have an idea who some of the characters are. The camp scene and Hebrew school scenes are very relatable and similar to experiences from Mormon Youth Conferences and Middle school History and English classes. I was engrossed in this whole era during this time frame and I see my son engrossed in it now. Becoming aware of this era changed my view of the world. I want to go back and read what's next so later.
Topic: Blood Don't Lie second 3rd 4-3 Date: April 3, 2007 9:04 AM
Subject: Wasn't expecting this Author: Fisher, Sandra
It's really not fair to have to read something like this in the KSU library. Had I known what was coming I would have read it at home. I'm on chapter 14 and I really don't want to quit but I have class soon and I'm really afraid that I will not be in control if I keep going. It's taking everything I have not to cry here in public. This is authentic and if I can identify with this and remember all those same feelings I had to work through almost 30 years ago. What would this do to a kid in the midst of this. Won't they just feel like the voices in their head have just been recreated in front of them? Will they understand the validation? This part of the book was powerful. I love the line "Now, I can’t make you taller, but I can help make you bigger. And I’m sure as heck not gonna make you smaller.” because I think this is just what Larry is afraid of becoming so small within himself that he disappears. I think he's even afraid that's what he wants. Of the the two thoughts I'm not sure which is more frightening.
Topic: Blood Don't Lie - finish book 4-10 Date: April 6, 2007 1:26 PM
Subject: Don't know quite what to say Author: Fisher, Sandra
I finished the book a couple of days ago and I have been mulling it over. LIke others have stated the bus driver thing threw me and really interrupted the flow. I'm sorry but the whole other worldly LSD trip with all the characters standing on the bus drivers arms thing really didn't work for me. Larry has talked to himself and imagined different outcomes but they were tied to reality so this scene seemed out of place. It would seem more realistic if they just entered the bus and were like other kids on the bus offering encouragement and suggestions to Larry. I'm not sure. It just didn't really work for me. I saw how this scene was used to tie some of the chapters together but it also became a sermon for me. I think I would have liked more of these ties woven in throughout and then the feeling of the chapters standing alone as independent short stories would lessen. Thanks for the post that mentioned this. I knew the flow of the book was bothering me and it felt a bit choppy but I had chalked that up to how I was reading it on computer and fitting it in between classes and assignments. Because as I read I was there in that moment feeling and visualizing what Larry is feeling and seeing and enjoyed it but, I also felt a bit disconnected from chapter to chapter. If the aquaman idea is going to be used to bring some closure, I want Larry to carry a comic book around so that it makes sense and gives it more a connection to his character. Philosophies of the class come through for me and I see Nelson and Romano as Larry's teachers. Like Meghan pointed out there are ways to use this book with a writing class points of discussion, prompts, etc.
Are you wondering if I really liked the book? I'm working on that too because there were so many times I was laughing, crying, and so emotionally invested in the moment, yet I really have a problem with how cohesive the book reads.
So I just finished the new chapters 1-3. I think they are really good. For me it helps move the story along. I know all of the key characters. It's really clear that Larry is isolated. One of the main themes regarding violence is introduced and I see it, where before it was just another event at the party. I'm not sure if that isn't a reflective point coming from my prior reading. It's just more prominent and not lost in all the other events that were cut. I'm not sure what's missing other than the song from his family. I assume this will now pick up with the Mall chapter.
OK, so I sat down yesterday to start reading the novel. I didn't get up until I was done...about 5 hours later. It's not often that I get into a reading mood quite that intensely, but I rolled with it yesterday, thats for sure.
I loved it! it was a great piece of work. Very entertaining. The part that stuck out the most for me was when Larry finally stood up to Robert and beat him to a bloody pulp! Good stuff.
I have a suggestion or two off the top of my head. The ending was kind of strange for me. I understand what you were going for with the musical number with the bus driver and the others, but it just seemed to come out of left field. Just the way the tone changed there was a little jarring, and I had to go back and re-read that part another time before I got it.
Topic: Blood Don't Lie First 3rd 3/27 Date: April 1, 2007 4:58 PM
Looking back, two scenes/ chapters really stuck out to me. The dance, and the camp.
To me, the camp is one of the most important chapters in the whole book, as well as one of the most vivid. The descriptions used during that scene seemed stronger than the rest of the book. I'm sure that was at least a little intentional. The sense of fear and desperation among those in the "camp" really came through in the writing, and made the chapter engaging. I felt as if I could put myself in the shoes of the campers, who were in turn putting themselves in the shoes of their ancestors. That is some good writing when you can make the reader(who in this case is recieving the feelings THIRD hand) feel that intensely about a scene. Good stuff.
The dance, to me, was just funny. I'm sure we've all been in Larry's shoes in one form or another, and I thought the whole Bar Mitzvah scene was a great way to introduce Larry to your audience.
Topic: Blood Don't Lie second 3rd 4-3 Date: April 2, 2007 3:55 PM
I chuckled a bit whenever it was time for Larry to get on the bus. I even got a little peeved when mean old Robert Bullock would start working his stuff. I can do that(as well as most of your audience) because we've all had our experiences with the dreaded cheese wagon, whether we rode it or not! You also do a great job of building up to the scene in Chapter 20(won't spoil if you haven't read it...I know I was waiting for that moment for at least half the book!)
On the subject of Marna not eating, I think you played that perfectly actually, even though I'm sure MANY will disagree. In my experience(personal, and more recently working with teenage athletes) MOST teenagers have some sort of "borderline" eating disorder. Either they go for periods of not eating, binge eat, or most commonly, some radical combination of the two. That's just the work of hormones and developing metabolisms. Well, maybe not entirely...I mean shoot, I still do that sometimes! I think by not directly addressing the matter, you add more depth to Marna's character, instead of raising the question "omg does she have an eating disorder!?!" although that option is open for your audience if you want them to pursue that! Ahhh, the beauty of open-ended writing...
The ending of this book definitely had a musical number feel to it. The whole "Be Nice" thing seemed to develop a sort of tune as it went along. If this were ever adapted into an actual performance, BDL would make for a pretty interesting musical! But I digress..
As I said in my post on the other forum, the ending was definitely weird for me. Its not that I didn't like it, it was just a completely different tone from most of the book. The whole changing bus driver, the dolphins and all that just seem to come out of nowhere. In my head I just kinda said "Wait...what?" and had to re-read the last scene a few times to understand it better. Frankly, I'm still not sure I quite get it. And if I do, I don't know that I do. Yeah.
I know I pretty much regurgitated what I said before, but thats what sticks out to me most prominantly. My brain is currently fried from the MGP, so I'll come back and add more if I think of anything else.
I just "finished" revising another round on BLOOD DON'T LIE last Thursday. I've cut over 50 pages from the last draft you all had to read. I noticed, too, that I started a lot of the sentences and paragraphs the same. I've remedied that, I hope. I also took out a lot of "likes" and starting with "And then..." I also took many of the sort of "feeling" sentences and paragraphs out of the story, and the story be the story if that makes sense.
Then I queried a bunch of agents. This is just a carefully crafted letter talking about me and the book...to see if they want you to send them part of all of the manuscript. One agent has the first chapters already but I haven't heard back from her and tomorrow will be three weeks that she's had it. On Friday I queried three more agents, and two responded immediately to send them the manuscript. One wanted it electronically, the other said that she's out of town and wont' be able to read it until June 10th, but that I should send it to her snail mail. I queried another five agents over the weekend. Two wrote back and said they didn't want me to send it. One forwarded my message to either an fellow agent or a reader and she said she's "love" to read it. And I emailed one publisher at HarperCollins Children's - her name was given to me months ago by Ron Carlson, a fiction writer and mentor of mine from ASU (check out his short stories, they are awesome!). Even though most publishers don't accept unsolicted manuscripts (they almost always go through agents), she took Ron Carlson's recommendation and asked me to send it to her. Which I did last night. She wrote back telling me she received it and is going to read it. No, I'm not one bit nervous. That's not gray hair you see, that's a bald head. I'd bite my nails off or cross my fingers, but I need them to type. Jeez...I'm pretty nervous!
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